A Day of Rhyme
by Absol Master
Summary: FE7, oneshot. An accidental experimentation mistake, and the whole army has to last an entire day, in rhyme. They are forced into doing all sorts of stupid stuff during the course of chapter 26x, all for the sake of the rhyming...


Only my second humour fic.

Get ready for some of the lamest rhymes you've ever seen before. This fanfic is best enjoyed if you read it aloud. Enjoy, and don't forget to review!

* * *

**A Day of Rhyme**

(It's all Canas' fault!)

And there sits Canas, meddling with one of his latest experiments.

"BOOM!!" His staff explodes from improper use.

"Urgh!" he cries, rubbing his head, "I need to go to bed!"

Did that just rhyme?

"Ah, good, it worked this time!" The shaman seems quite glad…Oh no, this could be bad.

"It'll wear off," he exclaims. "No blames! Just games!"

With that the day has just begun. Time for trouble…and a little fun.

* * *

"Get ready!" Square Head yells as Hector gels. "We have a hour! Towards that tower!"

"We get your point," Hector moans.

"Cool down," Lyn, exasperated, groans. "We have time, lots of it! Don't rush! Rest a bit!"

Kent looks up, ready, his horse just as steady. Rebecca gives Wil a kick.

"You idiot!" she shouts.

"That hurt!" Wil pouts.

Florina gives Huey a salt lick.

Eliwood takes charge (Marcus is by his side)! "Get moving!" he shouts and grins.

Nobody's listen. Matthew says "revenge". Lucius says, "Repent of your sins!"

"You're random! Wrong fandom!" Red-haired Raven shouts. "And why are we speaking in rhyme?"

Just then, Canas came. "This is getting real lame," complains the mercenary sublime.

"Can't you reverse it?" Poor Square Head begs.

"At your service, Monsieur," Canas says, on his legs. He raises his staff, the others then laugh—his staff's wrapped in cellophane tape.

And with one staff raise, Canas blackens his face, and he blows his grey clothes out of shape. "Erm…sorry," he apologises. Square Head takes a pair of vices.

He growls, "Canas, I'm coming for your head!"

"Uncle Canas!" Nino squeals.

"I hate you!" Raven reveals. Uh-oh, I think Canas is dead.

* * *

Finally, the battle's started, at last, at long last!

"Get moving, bird-brains!" Spidey yells.

"Ahem, bird-brains?" Raven questions. "…Like rust!"

By the way, Bartre has fifteen brain cells.

"Nils? No lollipops! Give that to me!"

"Wah! No fair!"

"I need to pee!"

An embarrassed Farina goes off to the loo. Meanwhile, the rest can slack. Geitz brushes is furball, Heath sings out of tune. Erk faints—look! Farina is back!

"Attention! We're in chapter 26x!" Square Head tells the very restless crowd.

Hector spies an ant, which he wrecks with his axe. The following commotion is very loud.

"Shut up!" Square Head groans. "Now get into formation!"

Soon, everyone's in place, with some information.

"Wahahaa! I'm perfect!" Sonia yells, far away. A few bridges appear before their eyes. On islands, archers get onto ballistae. Towards them, one more Peg Knight flies.

Now it's their turn. "Canas! Eclipse, attack!" Canas does, someone makes a pained noise.

"Quick, let's get out there, and get my Fell Contract!" Matthew shouts, urgency in his voice.

Guy rolls his eyes. "Leave your FC for later!"

Hawkeye throws some pies. He's a really good baker!

Marcus crosses the bridge. Merlinus opens the fridge.

"Oww!" An arrow hits Erk in the eye.

"Need a heal?" Serra squeals, chasing hot on his heels. Then she mends him, and he says goodbye.

"Oh, Wil, could you stop it?" Rave shouts. "Please, just drop it!" Wil does so­—his bow breaks in two.

"I didn't mean literally!" Rave's comment comes early.

"To the east," Spidey shouts. "Both of you!"

Eliwood's such a pansy. His pants are so fancy. But they aren't half as fancy as Pent's. But if Pent's pants are fancy, and Pent isn't a pansy, then Eli's pants are manly as Kent's.

Wait, that didn't make any sense.

"Get out, narrator!"

Uh-oh, see you later.

So the battle rages, with Bishops and Sages. Throw in there, an archer or two. Tacticians commanding, Berserk staves confounding—that makes a huge hullabaloo.

"You're so slow!" Sonia laughs, waving the Fell Contract in the air.

"Give me a lift!" Matt calls to Heath. "Got 1 HP? I don't care!"

So the poor Wyvern Lord, with a Matthew in tow, flies into Sonia's range of attack.

KABZAK!! KABAMM! Flies the Bolting at Hyperion. It's a goal! Oh no…alas, alack!

Thank goodness that Matthew got blasted instead; otherwise, Heath would be fried, dead meat. Matt takes out some gel, and he shouts "What the -ell!" As he struggles to keep his hair neat.

Meanwhile, all three lords, now, are lazing around.

"This is life!" Lyn says from her deckchair.

Hector's now drinking coffee—cocoa, finely-ground, while Eliwood's munching a pear.

"Well," Square Head says to Spidey, his voice growing hoarse. "Who wants to use those lords anyway?"

Spidey casts a short glance at those loafers. "Of course! They're just here, in the fight, for display!"

Five minutes later, all's pretty much well. Matthew' hair is back in shape. Heath's back there with Serra, he's healed, you can tell. Eliwood gets a tug on his cape.

"You lords, listen up now," Spidey says, loud and clear. "I don't want you dying; you had better stay here!"

Hector, that lout, now give Nils' head a clout. "Hey, I'm bored, little boy! Play a song!"

Nils replies, "Don't be bold! I'm two hundred years old! And promise you won't sing along!"

Hector nods. Lyn applauds. "Hurry!" shout all three lords.

On one foot, in a boot, Nils plays tunes on his flute.

Far far away, on one of the islands, Lucius is stranded; the bridges are gone.

"Help me, Lord Raymond!"

Rave says, "Wait there Lucius!" He throws "him" a life vest, which "he" then puts on.

"I'll save you, I'm coming!" the Hero shouts loudly. "I'm going to swim there, hold on! Enough said!"

He jumps off. However, a bridge appears midway. He lands straight into it, and "crack" goes his head.

"This puzzle's annoying!" Square Head shouts with anger.

"Exactly!" says Spidey, his scroll in his mouth. "No, stop! Stay there, lordlings! Go, Marcus! Go kill him! Hey, Wil, please stop singing and fire down south!"

Wil turns southward to shoot. Matt trips over his boot.

Marcus gets Elfired and covered with soot.

Guy does a backflip and lands in the water.

Canas is caught flipping through _Harry Potter._

"Canas! Go eastward!" A bridge has appeared. The druid then does so. Athos has a beard. A Bishop attacks him; the man's aim is true. The Purge tome goes flying and lands on his shoe.

"Yeow!" he yells, hopping. His HP is dropping. He smears vulnerary upon his hurt shoe.

"Come back!" Wil shouts loudly. The peg flies of proudly. The arrow then misses by one mile or two.

Hec, Lyn and Eli are can-canning gladly. Heath flies round Sonia alone. While she's distracted, Matthew has just acted. At last, he's arrived at her throne.

"Heath, please come back! Let Matthew attack! But wait Matt. Marcus, go along! And Nils, please do stop. You're needed. Don't hop!"

The lords stop as Nils ends his song.

Sonia's Bolting flashes. Her tome burns to ashes. "Hooray! No more long-range attacks!"

Somewhere, Hawkeye, shocked by Matt's sudde loud shout, hurts himself with his own Devil Axe.

I hate those two sentences, they don't even rhyme!

"Get out, dear narrator, for the very last time!"

Back we go. No one seems to be watching (Lord Hector's at coffee, Lord El is hopscotch-ing), as Heath drops Nils off between Matthew and Marcus. He shouts, "I've got underpants like Peter Parker's!"

"Now what are you doing?" Square Head shouts at Spidey, who (hearing Heath's shout) is now smiling quite widely.

"Matt, steal!" he commands. The thief grins and runs. He sneaks right past Sonia, who's eating some buns.

His hand movements deft, Matt commits the theft. The Fell Contract's now in his hand on his left.

Matthew then turns grey. Spidey shouts, "Nils, play!"

Tweet tweet tweet! Matt regains colour and smiles.

Meanwhile, Marcus is juggling his handmade nail files.

"Marcus, rescue Nils!" Marcus does just that.

"Hurry, command me!" shouts an impatient Matt.

Square Head makes him use the contract, very much to his delight. Matthew gets a free new dagger and a headband. What a sight!

"I'm an assassin!" Matt cheers. Guy covers his ears.

Sonia attacks. "Silence her," Spidey begs. Wil soon raises his kill-tally to seventeen pegs.

Matt spins his daggers. Raven hates braggers. Sonia takes damage, and slowly she staggers.

"I'm supposed to be perfect!" she screams. She doesn't have blood, or so it seems.

Ten minutes later, the army's together. Guy's wet, Rave's head's smashed, Canas' staff is no better.

"My eye!" Erky cries. "Hey Guy! Got some ice?"

Guy smiles. "Go ask Nils!"

"My nail files! They're not Wil's!"

While the two're chasing Nils, Wil is tilling some pills. But then, pills can't be tilled without mills. Wil is still tilling pills, while that Nils fills his bills. Wil's will's valid when someone kills Wil.

That's nonsense. Oh goodness.

"Narrator! What rudeness!"

Nino soon says goodbye to some old random guy. Guy then glances about, quite annoyed.

Then they leave with a sigh, glad that no one did die. Wallace did, in that chapter with Lloyd.

"Nicely done," Spidey praises. "Bet you all want pay raises."

Farina and Matthew both nod.

"Well, till next time," says Square. "Please come if you dare."

Oh, that Square Head is such a big clod!

"The spell's wearing off!" Canas notices.

"That's great!" Everyone cheers for him. Phew, what a reliefe! It's over! It's over! I can narrate without the restriction of rhyme!

…

It was quite fun, actually.

**THE END**


End file.
